Any normal person would want their relationship to be happy and fulfilling and it is perfectly normal to have these aspirations for your relationship!
Sometimes we come across a situation where both the partners want the same results. Both want peace, respect, trust, intimacy, and joy. and yet, they struggle. it makes you wonder, why do relationships have to feel like rocket science. Why is it so difficult to meet the basic needs of both partners? Why is something lacking no matter what?
Having coached hundreds of couples to take their relationships from good to great, here are a few observations I have gathered. Here are a few ‘Attitude Seeds’ or ways of thinking that act like an invisible wall that stops your relationship from really becoming fulfilling. Unless these behaviors and attitudes change, the relationship is going to stay mediocre…no matter what. Think of these attitudes like tracks…if your track is going in the wrong direction, no matter how hard you try, you will still go wrong.
So if you feel your relationship is right now ‘Good’ but not ‘Great or Exceptional’…you need to change these thought seeds…
Hiding your own shortcomings by giving examples of bad relationships.
Have you ever told your spouse, “I know I don’t do _______ but at least I don’t cheat/fight/hide/cling like so and so”, or have you heard something on these lines from your partner? This is when one or both partners make it OK to not meet the needs of their partner and as an excuse point out to other couples where something worse is happening.
Eg: I know I don’t do anything romantic, but at least I don’t cheat like many men do
I know I don’t do chores at home but be happy I don’t fight like Mrs______
As long as you keep justifying the mediocrity of your relationship, that is how it will stay. If you want it to grow, Forget about others and focus on meeting your partner’s needs without any more delay. If you have to compare…compare with relationships better than yours, at least you have a reason to try harder now!
Saying It’s OK to have relationship problems because everyone has them
Do you console yourself that it’s ok that your relationship is dissatisfying or mediocre because you keep telling yourself that ‘Every relationship has problems’? that ‘Everyone is struggling’? If this is how you have been consoling yourself, let me tell you a little secret…You are lying to yourself! You have been deceiving yourself…
You are afraid to admit that there are people who are living ‘Fantastic relationships’ because it will make you feel worse. But have you ever realized that by not even allowing yourself to see that ‘Your relationship can become great’ you are limiting the potential of your relationship? If you settle for mediocre, accept your fate and don’t dream of one day living a totally fulfilling win-win realtionship…how will you ever get there?
I’m telling you now…There are many couples who are truly happy. They may have differences once in a while but at the least…their basic needs are met. They are living a beautiful partnership….and it is possible for you too. You need to believe this before you can mold your relationship to greatness!
You have to adjust/compromise
Well, we have been conditioned from a young age to compromise…We have been told that adjusting is the right thing to do… that we are good people if we keep our needs aside and focus on another person/family’s needs. Yet after doing all these things…Do you feel that there is something missing? That there is sadness in your lonely moments? and that true joy has been eluding you? Do you feel guilty for expecting that your basic needs also should be met?
To get out of this discontentment, one must first understand the difference between ‘Needs’ and ‘Wants’.
Basic human needs for love, acknowledgment, intimacy, respect, appreciation, trust, kindness, empathy, excitement, etc are necessary for survival. If your deep inner need is to be respected, and you have to ‘compromise’ with that, you will not be able to sustain for long. On the other hand, ‘wants can be compromised’. Let us say you want ‘Privacy’ but, it’s not a deep need, then you can let go and live without it.
I have come across so many people who say ‘One needs to adjust in relationships’ and do nothing about meeting their deepest needs. This is a helpful attitude when dealing with wants, with things you can do without…but not when it comes to Needs.
If you truly want to take your relationship form mediocre/good to Great, then you need to get out of your comfort zone and find creative ways to meet your own needs and that of your partner. People don’t fake their needs, if someone is repeatedly asking for something and is completely in distress without it, its a need, don’t question it…meet it!
You must be thinking now, so what can I do right away to take my relationship to the next level Seema?
- Understand that truly happy and fulfilled relationships do exist
- Stop ignoring needs in the name of ‘Adjustment’ – Change your attitude from ‘I have to Compromise’ to ‘I have to be Creative’ to meet the needs of both partners
- List down what are your basic needs, and that of your partner
- Write down 3 things you will do right away to progress your relationship towards a more fulfilling level.
More power to you and your partner as you create the life that you both truly deserve!
Comment your question below…
Seema Shenoy Manek
(C) NLP Master Trainer. Transformation Coach. Relationship Expert.
Co-Founder, Indian School of Success